Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
