i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
