Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
