I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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