just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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