I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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