So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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