just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
