ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
