I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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