ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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