I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
