nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Sober January is a disaster.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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