do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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