community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
