I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
