dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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