i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
