I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
