So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
