Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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