Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
What a dumb baby whore.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
