No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I want to be your penis for a week.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
