I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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