im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
