Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
