Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
