Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
