I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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