I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
