It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Sorry my hands just texted you
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
