I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
