I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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