you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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