someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
