i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
