I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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