He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
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No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
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Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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