I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
