she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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