I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
