quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
