White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
