Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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