Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
