In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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