are you still at the devil's house?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
how do you play pong handcuffed?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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