suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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