My room smells like vodka and shame
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
