My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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