i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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