the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
