I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Ketchup is God's man juice
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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