I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
