i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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