my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
