So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
